I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
