when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
