It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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