a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
