Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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