I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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