I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
