I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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