but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
God, I missed his penis.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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