I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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