you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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