she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
