I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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