Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
