You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
