i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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