Quick, to the slutcave!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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