lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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