we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
