put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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