Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
