the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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