I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
