she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The air was thick with penises
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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