This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
