Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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