They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
