WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
