I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
