If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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