Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
