Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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