You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
