I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
