Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
