fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
