You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
