Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
