Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
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