I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
