i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
