I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
