last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
