my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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