and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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