I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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