True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
