I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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