I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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