The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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