haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
