I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
