I hate all girls vehemently.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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