In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We need a shit load of segways right now
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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