i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
