clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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