Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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