I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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